The Evolution of a Thesis Statement

The first attempt:

From:
Sent: Wednesday, October 14, 2009 2:53 PM
To: Benie Colvin
Subject: My thesis statement
My topic "Relationships in the workplace"

Thesis Statement:
Many employers enforce a no dating policy between employees; however, if these employees can remain professional during work hours, their relationship would not interfere with their work performance.

From: Benie Colvin
Sent: Wednesday, October 14, 2009 4:47 PM
To:
Subject: RE: My thesis statement

Almost there.  Rework the part following "hours"  The issue is the unreasonable, extended demands or restrictions of the employers--not the contingency of good work performance.

The second attempt:

From:
Sent: Wednesday, October 14, 2009 8:17 PM
To: Benie Colvin
Subject: RE: My thesis statement

Thesis statement revised:
Many employers enforce a no dating policy between employees; however, if these employees can remain professional during work hours and maintain their work production with minimum relationship interaction, the restrictions should be reconsidered.

 

From: Benie Colvin
Sent: Wednesday, October 14, 2009 10:04 PM
To:
Subject: RE: My thesis statement

Sounds like they are going through a test--one which they can't go through because of the restrictions.  Perhaps "however, employer/employee mandates should be limited to expectations for work production and standards of professional behavior, and should exclude restrictions on personal relationships within the workplace."  My version still sounds a bit heavy to me.  Perhaps you can tweak it some.

 

The final version:

From:

Sent: Thursday, October 15, 2009   8: 37 AM

To:  Benie Colvin

Subject: RE: My thesis statement

"Many employers enforce a no dating policy between employees; however, employer rules and regulations should reflect work production and professionalism, rather than the personal relationships of employees."